These past 2 weeks have been some of the most difficult weeks of my life. Probably the most difficult weeks of my life. I've cried, I've laughed, I've worked and worked and worked, and still there is so much more work to be done.
I don't even know where to start explaining what these past 2 weeks have been like.
I have 2 classes, one before lunch and one after lunch. I'm responsible for preparing each class for the science and math portions of the MEAP. The only math I've ever taught is 3rd grade math. I have almost zero experience teaching science.
I LIKE teaching science. I guess I always knew I would. I don't totally understand science. Physics almost killed me in college. But I've always enjoyed my science classes. For some reason it's what I decided to major in. So far, I've had the most teaching support in science. The district has key concepts that should be reviewed AND lesson plans for how to review them. There are experiments already written out with focus questions, homework, and extension activities. At this point, I feel like I'll make a good science teacher.
I do NOT like teaching math. And I ALWAYS knew I never would. I really could have majored in math, science or english as a teacher. I didn't choose english because I figured it wouldn't be the best career choice. I didn't choose math because I never wanted to teach it. Math always came naturally to me. I never had to think very hard. When I saw how numbers were plugged in to an equation, I got it right away. I was never excited about doing math. I was never happy that I understood it, I just wanted to make sure I kept my straight A's. I didn't have to study hard because I didn't care about being the best in the class, just about doing enough to get my A. Math was the first subject I wanted to give back to my mentor teacher last year. And now, I get to teach it...forever! And unlike science, the math department doesn't have any figured out foci for the math MEAP or review or anything helpful except for a lame pacing chart.
We just got a math instructional specialist/coach in our building. She came in yesterday and didn't say a word. Just sat in my room for a little bit and then left. Today she did the same thing. Except she stayed for a really long time. Why couldn't she have come when I was doing science???? My kids were pairing and sharing, they were watching videos of Olympic sports and telling me how gravity and friction affected the sports, they were engaged, and my teaching was good. Nope. She came during math. The one thing I wish I never had to teach. At least today she spoke to me and said that she is preparing some resources for MEAP review. That's nice. But I will probably still cry tonight because of all this stupid pressure to turn a failing district into an exemplar district overnight.
That's the one thing about my school. It's totally "fend for yourself...or die." Lol. And it's tough. It's really tough.
Even with all that said, this doesn't even sum up what the last 2 weeks have been like. And I have no real way to put it into words. I love my kids. They make me laugh. I was supposed to have a quiz ready for them last Monday but I forgot to do that over the weekend. I told them it was because my weekend was so full of fun things to do and I promised them that I will have no more fun weekends so that they could have fun taking quizzes. Yesterday I mentioned that they will have a quiz on Monday and without missing a beat one of my students blurts out "Please enjoy your weekend!" It made me and the whole class laugh. It was good. I haven't really laughed in school for a while.
I have a handful of kids that are way behind. I don't know who let them pass 4th grade. There are a few that I think may have some legitimate learning disabilities. So I need to see what the process is for documenting and setting up interviews with the student's parents to look into testing.
Overall, it's the system that is overwhelming me. It's a lot to deal with all on your own. And it does feel like I'm all on my own in teaching these kids. But it's magnifying my need for God. "Blessed are the poor in spirit..." I can feel the lack inside. I can feel my need for more of God. This job is way bigger than me. It's way bigger than all of the teachers and administrators combined. It goes beyond education into all sorts of other issues: poverty, healthiness, stability, families, addictions...the list goes on and on. I like when I can feel my need, to know that I am in need, to know that there is One who can provide when no one else can.
"...for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven." And there's the hope, that one day all of this worn out world will pass away and my Jesus will come on the clouds. He will end injustice once and for ever more. There will be no poverty, no pain, no sickness, no addictions, no broken families. There will be Heaven. And Jesus will establish His kingdom and His government will know no end. If something is good, it grows. If something is healthy, it grows. His government will be good. It will be healthy. It will be complete and lacking in nothing. Right now I'm just working with broken systems. But my Jesus will come, and he will restore all that has been lost. And so right now as I feel my need, I know my lack, and I see this problem in education and Detroit-I cling to the One who can make it all right and ask that He would come and be my support. God knows all about elementary education. He knows all about getting students engaged. He knows how to teach.
I gotta go.
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